So, I’m a little out of practice writing witty bits of information about my life. Amazingly, after reading some old blogs from years ago, I was inspired to do some more writing. But it’s always hard to get back on that saddle…
What should I write about in my first post? Generally speaking, in the past I have focused on the daily trials and tribulations and celebrations…and you know what I’m getting at. As I grow older, I find that I may actually have opinions on things that I want to write down. Thrilling, I know. Then I thought, “You know what? Why the hell not?”
So for entry number one, I’m just going to let the words flow. Get back in the habit.
Life is a strange concept. Living a happy, satisfying life is even stranger, and somehow unreachable for those of us who are constantly wondering if we are on the “right” path. Over that last year, I have realized that just existing can sometimes be very difficult. I’m am my own worst enemy, a pain in my own ass half the time. I’ve had to learn to give myself a break.
This brings me to my first topic: Trust.
I’m doing better at trusting myself lately. Yes, I really CAN do that thing I’ve been worrying so much about for no apparent reason! What I still am working on, however, is trusting others.
In the not-so-distant past, I was betrayed by someone who I considered to be a very close friend. This betrayal ripped a hole so deep that I had a horrible time climbing out. One thing you’ll learn about me is that I am fiercely loyal, but when crossed, it is most likely that I will hold a grudge forever and never forgive you. So, it is hard when you feel so loyal to someone one day, and want to rip their heart out the next.
Sounds rather dramatic, doesn’t it? Well, at the time, it certainly felt that way. At times, it still does. It really didn’t help that this all came about during a stressful time at my job and during an impending death of a loved one.
I’ve spent nearly a year now getting to a place where I can be content with myself. While I will probably never forgive this person, I hold less passionate feelings towards her, and can now see that I am better off without her in my life. Yet, even as I write this, it is hard for me to say that this is really the truth. The truth is that I miss having that friend who I could confide in, hang out with, and bitch to. The ultimate truth is that I don’t think I will really ever have that in the same way again.
Which brings me back to trust. Frankly, I don’t think I can ever quite trust anyone other than my husband or family to really have my back. Though I desperately need a friend to talk to sometimes, I bite my tongue instead. My husband keeps encouraging me to make new friends, but you know what? I really don’t want to put myself out there like that again.
Jesus, this sounds like a cliche break-up rant. ” I will never love again!” Well, I guess, in a way, it is. And that’s okay. And I’m okay. This person doesn’t hold the power over me that she once did. Do I find myself falling into those old patterns sometimes? Sure. But at least now I can recognize it, and trust in my own intuition, because, frankly, mine was screaming at me for months about this person, and I just didn’t want to believe it.
So the end result? I’ve learned to trust myself more, trust my intuition. And my intuition is telling me to be very wary of others, no matter how badly I want a new friend to confide in. I’m finally freeing myself to listen to my own intuition, which happens to be very strong most of the time.
I still hate the “special person” who completely screwed me over, just not as much as I once did. Now I have the strength to say, “I’m moving on.”
Trust…it’s what’s for dinner.