You Are Enough

Funny thing about balance…it needs to not pendulum from one thing to another. It’s about finding the right combination of everything that makes life work in a reasonable, healthy way. I’ve been a little off balance lately, hence not writing in a while.

This summer has been an experiment in finding healthy balance. Some days, weeks, even, have been great! Some, unfortunately, have not.

Life has a way of jumping in and making things harder, and my general response is to revert to obsessive TV show watching and eating like crazy. When August brought the one year anniversary of my father’s sudden death and the spreading of his ashes, I fought the urge to revert to those crutches. Some days were okay, others not. Then I turned to other somewhat destructive things, like shopping, over-eating, and not exercising as much. Oh, and being sad. That wasn’t fun either.

Dad’s resting place:

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I learned in the past couple of weeks that even when life throws you major curveballs, it can also provide you with the tools to accept and move past those things. A week and a half after the anniversary, I feel almost released of the burden of that first year of grief. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still grieving and miss my dad like crazy, but that year of firsts is over. We made it through. I made it through more grief at work. I made it through last school year. I made it through all the little and big things that have made me feel awful, and I’m trying to learn from all of it. I’m trying to not be so hard on myself, but at the same time hold myself accountable for my feelings and actions. I’m trying to infuse positive things into my life instead of harping on all the terrible things in the world.

Today marks my last week of summer vacation. Today, I got back on the elliptical. Today, I am working on redefining and finding my balance before the new school year starts.

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One of my favorite Broadway actresses, Sierra Boggess, inspired me yesterday in a video interview she did. She said making the choice to be happy is scary. It is easier for us to live in our negativity and complaining than to make the decision to accept it and leave it behind to live in the now. She said this:

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And that got me thinking. It is so hard to accept ourselves as “enough” because there are so many outside influences telling us we aren’t enough that we start to believe it.

I am going to try my best to remember that I am enough. I’m going to try my hardest to bring healthy habits into my life. I’m going to try my hardest to live here and now instead of worrying about what could be, and instead, accept what is and be grateful.

Will I fail and fall down at times? I’m sure, but I’m tired of being negative, sad, ungrateful, and stuck. Hopefully, readers, you will be inspired by the journey, too!

Who or what has inspired your life’s journey, especially in trying times? What works for you to get back up when you fall?

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Fall is Officially Here

So, I haven’t written since February…I know, I know! But a lot has happened since then.

For instance, I actually started cooking, of all things! Can you believe it? I can’t! Oh, and the food is edible, I promise. My hubby will attest to that.

In April, my school district went on strike. It sucked. It was the shortest strike in state history though, so that was nice– only 3.5 hours! Four months of stress and insanity, but it was all worth it in the end.

We had over one hundred days of no rain. This is pretty incredible in our neck of the woods. Today broke that streak, as Fall has officially arrived– the rain is back. See you in July, sun!

My beloved dad died August 14th. It was the worst day of my life. The last two months have been like slogging through emotional goo, just trying to get by every day. That’s what happens when your dad is so freakin’ awesome. When suddenly he isn’t there anymore, none of us really know how to get back to “normal.” Mom is convinced that he had something to do with the lack of rain for the last two months, since now she has to walk to dog, and it’s much easier to do when it isn’t raining. Plus, Seti (the dog) hates water. Thanks Dad, we appreciated the sun!

Well, that’s enough ruminating for now. I’m going to eat some of this (hopefully) delicious chicken taco soup I made today and watch Fringe or Grimm…or both.

Peace Out, yo.

February

February is a lame month.  Seriously.  The weather is usually terrible.  The fun holidays are all over (Sorry, I just can’t include Valentine’s Day as a real holiday).  Awful things seem to wait until February to happen.  It doesn’t even have a normal number of days!

This February actually started out relatively okay, for once.  My work with the American Heart Association kept me busy enough in the beginning that I didn’t even realize that it WAS February already.

However, the dulldrums have still managed to find me.  I feel moody and exhausted.  The kids at school seem restless, extra moody, and extra tired.  The teachers seem burnt out.  My motivation to do anything is low.  Frankly, I’d like to just curl up in bed and watch TV or read a good book. But, alas,  life must go on, even though it is February.

At least there are only twelve days left, right?

Title? What Title?

So, I’m a little out of practice writing witty bits of information about my life.  Amazingly, after reading some old blogs from years ago, I was inspired to do some more writing.  But it’s always hard to get back on that saddle…

What should I write about in my first post? Generally speaking, in the past I have focused on the daily trials and tribulations and celebrations…and you know what I’m getting at.  As I grow older, I find that I may actually have opinions on things that I want to write down. Thrilling, I know. Then I thought, “You know what? Why the hell not?”

So for entry number one, I’m just going to let the words flow. Get back in the habit.

Life is a strange concept.  Living a happy, satisfying life is even stranger, and somehow unreachable for those of us who are constantly wondering if we are on the “right” path.  Over that last year, I have realized that just existing can sometimes be very difficult.  I’m am my own worst enemy, a pain in my own ass half the time.  I’ve had to learn to give myself a break.

This brings me to my first topic: Trust.

I’m doing better at trusting myself lately.  Yes, I really CAN do that thing I’ve been worrying so much about for no apparent reason!  What I still am working on, however, is trusting others.

In the not-so-distant past, I was betrayed by someone who I considered to be a very close friend.  This betrayal ripped a hole so deep that I had a horrible time climbing out.  One thing you’ll learn about me is that I am fiercely loyal, but when crossed, it is most likely that I will hold a grudge forever and never forgive you.  So, it is hard when you feel so loyal to someone one day, and want to rip their heart out the next.

Sounds rather dramatic, doesn’t it?  Well, at the time, it certainly felt that way.  At times, it still does.  It really didn’t help that this all came about during a stressful time at my job and during an impending death of a loved one.

I’ve spent nearly a year now getting to a place where I can be content with myself.  While I will probably never forgive this person, I hold less passionate feelings towards her, and can now see that I am better off without her in my life. Yet, even as I write this, it is hard for me to say that this is really the truth.  The truth is that I miss having that friend who I could confide in, hang out with, and bitch to.  The ultimate truth is that I don’t think I will really ever have that in the same way again.

Which brings me back to trust.  Frankly, I don’t think I can ever quite trust anyone other than my husband or family to really have my back.  Though I desperately need a friend to talk to sometimes, I bite my tongue instead.  My husband keeps encouraging me to make new friends, but you know what?  I really don’t want to put myself out there like that again.

Jesus, this sounds like a cliche break-up rant.  ” I will never love again!”  Well, I guess, in a way, it is.  And that’s okay.  And I’m okay.  This person doesn’t hold the power over me that she once did.  Do I find myself falling into those old patterns sometimes? Sure.  But at least now I can recognize it, and trust in my own intuition, because, frankly, mine was screaming at me for months about this person, and I just didn’t want to believe it.

So the end result?  I’ve learned to trust myself more, trust my intuition. And my intuition is telling me to be very wary of others, no matter how badly I want a new friend to confide in.  I’m finally freeing myself to listen to my own intuition, which happens to be very strong most of the time.

I still hate the “special person” who completely screwed me over, just not as much as I once did.  Now I have the strength to say, “I’m moving on.”

Trust…it’s what’s for dinner.